The Pinnacle of Evolution is Now: Texting Zones Arrive

In case you’re not an idiot who texts and drives, or live outside of New York, or just don’t read obscure state-level political press releases (someone has to) you may have missed the fact that Governor Andrew Cuomo of the beautiful, if not regulated enough, New York State has created “texting zones” for the distracted yet courteous driver.

Yes, you read that correctly: texting zones. This is what we have come to as a society. The slack-jawed, mouth-breathing yokels of the American roadways have now carved out the need for a designated area where they can park their meat wagon, clack out a hastily typed LOL DID U C DAT PIG VIDEO LOOOL and check in on FourSquare “@ da TeXtInG ZonE!”

We’ve come to a point where legislators have said “yeah they’re just going to keep instagramming blurry trees from the driver’s window so let’s just give them a crappy lot to add some Hefe from and get some free press.” It’s as if Cuomo forgot that we have a designated place to text, which is called literally anywhere but on the highway. It’s also as if Cuomo forgot that not only is using a cellphone already banned in New York State, but due to a new law drivers caught texting while driving can now receive five points on their license – which is higher than the penalty for driving 20mph over the limit.

Pictured: a cell phone user taking a picture of a cell phone user.

Pictured: a cell phone user taking a picture of a cell phone user.

In the press release from the Governor’s office, it’s noted that since the texting law has been implemented, compared to the previous year, there has been a 365% increase in ticketing for distracted driving. Let me repeat that: a 365% increase! It doesn’t take that long to get around in New York! How many text messages are these people sending in a little trip?! And don’t they have mirrors? Police cars aren’t invisible (unless you’re enthralled in some mid-highway Fruit Ninja, which, who could blame you? That’s worth five points ammirite?)!

So, due to the efficacy of said law, it seems pretty clear that, aside from a great little feather in Cuomo’s reelection cap, these texting zones are nothing more than an excuse for authorities to add “ya know you just coulda stopped at the uh texting zone a few miles up, right?” while handing you a fine and points for texting Jenn (it’s always Jenn). But the real question is: are these texting zones a good idea? Isn’t this just enabling a driver to plan out their text stops, subsequently making trips longer, using more gas, emitting more emissions into our fragile atmosphere, and clogging the sides of the roadways?

Hell yes they’re a good idea. Listen, if the aforementioned side effects stop some clown in a Ford Focus Snapchatting a picture of their baby in the backseat to everyone from plowing into the back of my car then so be it; let the distracted masses take to the parking lots. Besides, could you imagine what a good pic an empty highway would be for Instagram?

I planned on stopping at one of these areas for a picture with the “texting zone” sign but c’mon, really? If I ever so urgently need to send a text message while driving that I pull over, you all have permission to put me out to pasture.

 Images via Steven Damron / Gaeten Gauthier
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One thought on “The Pinnacle of Evolution is Now: Texting Zones Arrive

  1. If I have to live in a country where I can’t drive 75 mph AND send a Tweet about my #WCW while crossing 4 lanes of traffic without using my turn signal… well then, Mr. Jack Kelly (if that is your real name) I might as well hop in my time machine and travel back to 1941 Germany because this MUST be Hitler’s 3rd Reich!

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